“Today he bit one of his friends.” It’s not an easy thing to hear. And if your child was the one bitten, it’s natural to be upset that they were hurt and to worry it’ll happen again. The first priority is looking after the child who’s been hurt and keeping every child safe. After that comes understanding what happened and putting something in place to stop it happening again.
A young child who bites isn’t a “bad” child, and it doesn’t mean their family has failed. There may well be a developmental reason for it, but that reason doesn’t mean nothing needs to be done.
Why Do Young Children Bite?
At this age, a strong urge and the ability to stop yourself acting on it don’t develop at the same speed. Wanting a toy back, being bothered by a friend who’s come too close, or simply being tired can turn into a physical reaction when a child can’t yet put it into words. Teething and sensory seeking can play a part for some children too.
ZERO TO THREE’s guide to biting suggests watching for the circumstances in which it happens, rather than assuming a single cause. Looking at what happened just before is more useful than a broad explanation like “He doesn’t know how to share.”
Was the play area very crowded, for example? Were two children after the same toy? Was lunch or rest time running late? When did an adult step in? Each incident may have a different cause.
What Should an Adult Do in the Moment?
The adult stops the behaviour calmly and clearly: “I won’t let you bite. It hurts.” Rather than a long talk, what’s needed is a short, firm limit, putting a safe distance between the children, and looking after the child who’s been hurt.
The child who bit needs an adult’s support too. Shouting, shaming or biting them back doesn’t teach them a safe way to behave. And in the middle of big feelings, they’re unlikely to take in a long explanation.
If the skin is broken, the bite needs to be checked by a health professional. MedlinePlus’s guidance on human bites advises getting medical care for bites that break the skin, because of the risk of infection. The way the preschool lets you know should help you get that care quickly if it’s needed.
How Do You Teach a Child a Different Way?
“Don’t do that again” doesn’t, on its own, tell a child what to do instead. They need a short alternative: “You can say ‘Stop’,” “You can call the teacher,” “You can say ‘I’m waiting for my turn’.” Depending on your child’s language, a single word or a hand sign may be enough.
At a calm moment, you could act out a little scene with puppets. One puppet wants a toy, the other won’t hand it over, and the grown-up steps in when someone says “Help!” There’s no need to re-enact the real incident at length, or to make your child explain what they did wrong over and over.
Notice when the new way works: “You called me when you wanted the toy, and we sorted it out together.” That shows your child which route they can use again. The aim isn’t only to stop the biting, but to build the skill they actually need.
Helpful Questions to Ask the Preschool
You have every right to know how your own child is and what’s being done. Knowing the other child’s name wouldn’t replace a plan that actually makes things safer. You might ask:
- What was happening just before?
- How was the injury checked, and what care was given?
- In what situations do similar incidents keep happening?
- How will the adults step in earlier next time?
- Which word or behaviour could we practise at home?
- When will we talk about whether the plan is working?
Good communication gives each family concrete information about their own child on the same day, without passing on private details about another child. Hearing a plan for watching, preventing and following up is worth more than a promise that “it’ll never happen again.”
Rather than defining a child by one behaviour, teach them the skill they can use instead.
Working Together at Sun Preschool
At Sun Preschool, the first conversation about your child’s day-to-day life is with their homeroom teacher. When a biting incident happens, though, it doesn’t stop at a quick chat. It’s first noted in both children’s records, the child who bit and the child who was bitten, and flagged for our school psychologist, then passed on to the Principal. Together, the psychologist and the Principal decide on a plan for how we’ll support the children. Our psychologist, who is at school three days a week, is also part of the team whenever a child needs developmental support.
After an incident, the conversation should move on from “Whose fault was it?” to your child’s safety, the circumstances, and what support comes next. It really helps to share what you’re seeing at home with the teacher: has their sleep changed, is there a new baby, do they find busy places hard? Our guide to safety at preschool and our article on tantrums at three cover other sides of this conversation.
What If the Biting Keeps Happening?
For a while, keep a note of what happens before and after each incident. Patterns, such as how your child tries to express themselves, how crowded the room is, moments of transition and tiredness, can change the plan. You can talk about practical changes: adding a second of the favourite toy, making more space, or having an adult closer at changeover times.
If the biting becomes more frequent, causes serious injury, or you have concerns about their language or other areas of development too, talk to your paediatrician and an appropriate child development specialist. An assessment is about understanding what your child needs, not about finding fault.
If you’d like to talk about how we’d support your child within their group, you can book a tour of Sun Preschool.
References & Further Reading
- ZERO TO THREE — Toddler biting: finding the right response.
- MedlinePlus, US National Library of Medicine — Human bites: care and when to see a health professional.
- ZERO TO THREE — Aggressive behaviour in toddlers: the developmental picture.
Frequently asked questions
My two-year-old bites. Does that mean they’re an aggressive child?
One behaviour can’t define a child’s personality. At this age, communication and impulse control are still developing. Even so, an adult needs to stop the behaviour and teach an alternative.
Should we make the child who bit say sorry straight away?
Calming down and safety come first. A forced apology may not show that they understand what happened. Later, you can talk about how to make things better in a way that suits their age.
My child was bitten. Should I speak to the other family myself?
Start by finding out from the teacher and the Principal what happened, what care was given and what plan has been agreed with the psychologist. Communication that protects both children’s privacy is healthier. You can ask the school to arrange any conversations that are needed.
Why does my child only bite at preschool, and never at home?
Being in a group brings different demands: being close to others, sharing toys and moving between activities. Don’t take the difference as proof that your child is behaving badly. Work out with the teacher which situations your child finds hard.
